


A Perfect Day

by KaworuMakino



Series: Perfect Days [1]
Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Alternate Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, M/M, Past Sexual Assault, Post-Canon, Somebody Lives/Not Everyone Dies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-10
Updated: 2020-07-24
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:09:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 16,884
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25175134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KaworuMakino/pseuds/KaworuMakino
Summary: "April is the cruelest month, breedingLilacs out of the dead land, mixingMemory and desire, stirringDull roots with spring rain." - T.S. Eliot, The Waste LandPost-canon/altered ending. Eiji goes back to Japan, and Ash gets attacked. But nothing could stop them from finding their way back to each other.
Relationships: Ash Lynx & Okumura Eiji, Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji
Series: Perfect Days [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1860112
Comments: 9
Kudos: 95





	1. April is the cruelest month

“My soul is always with you.”

_Eiji. Eiji, Eiji._

I couldn't feel my body. Couldn't physically feel anything. It was as if I was suspended in midair without gravity or wind, nothing to push or pull me. Weightless, I was drifting, unable to feel anything except for that, somehow, I knew I was smiling. 

_Eiji. Eiji, Eiji. My soul is with you too,_ I thought, _Can you feel it?_

"Ash!"

_Eiji! Oh, Eiji! Eiji, you're here! Eiji, I--_

"Ash!"

I could only feel my blood again as it turned cold. Still, I felt weightless, confused. _That's not Eiji--_

"Ash!"

But if not Eiji, who? One of...one of my guys. I knew that voice. But which one? Who, if not Eiji? I tried to place the sound, but for my efforts my mind was filled with static. I no longer felt free of gravity so much as just temporarily excused from it, like any moment now I would start falling and not stop until I--

"Ash!"

* * *

"Eiji!"

I sat in my wheelchair, alone in my room. The curtains were closed, the lights off. No sound save the fly whose buzzing flickered in and out of my hearing, interrupting my daze. I stared blankly at the wall, as if by looking long enough I could see right through it, peer outside my house, beyond an ocean, to the city where--

"Eiji!"

I trembled as if just awakened from deep sleep. That's right, someone just--

A knock on the door interrupted my thoughts. "Eiji. I'm coming in."

"Okay, mom."

She opened the door and I saw that she was carrying her cellphone in hand.

"Ibe-san is on the phone for you," she said. "He says he'd like to talk to you. Wouldn't that be nice?" She was hoping for affirmation, but she frowned as she asked. It had been two days since I landed back in Japan and from the car ride home onward she'd asked me frequently how I was, what happened in New York, how I'd gotten shot. Who this "Ash" Ibe-san mentioned was exactly. 

I'd told her nothing. Even as she frowned at me, phone in hand, I felt too little to feel sorry. All that had occupied my mind the past few days was worry. Despite my cheery goodbyes to my friends beforehand, it had gripped me tightly on the plane and hadn't let me rest since. 

"Yes," I lied. "That will be nice." I reached my hand out for the phone and she passed it to me, forcing a smile before leaving the room and closing my door behind her. 

"Ibe-san," I said with virtually no inflection in my voice. It wasn't that I resented him for taking me back home. Or maybe, admittedly, I did, but I understood and logically I wasn't mad. I just missed Ash too much to care about anything else Ibe could have to tell me.

"Eiji. Are you sitting down?" He asked. 

"Yes, Ibe-san. I seldom stand up except to reach the toilet."

"Oh! Yes. Yes, of-- of course. You're still..." he was silent for a moment. "I'm sorry, Eiji. But I have something to tell you."

Suddenly the worry that had plagued me for the last two days hardened. It was as if a rock in my chest was expanding, pushing up against my organs, grating away at me, pressing lung to rib. 

"What is it?!" I snapped before I even realized I had opened my mouth to speak. 

Ibe-san was silent for a painfully long few seconds before responding. "It's about Ash."

Now the rock struck blood. Cold. Cold blood, I felt my body tense up. The fly’s buzzing returned; it landed on the wall in front of me. 

"Eiji, he...," Ibe-San cleared his throat. "I just heard from Max. He just learned, then called me, then I called you. Ash, he...he got stabbed. They don't know if he's going to make it."

I threw the phone against the door. The fly, startled, took flight, buzzing off to find another perch. 

"Eiji?!" I heard my mother call as panic took over me and I hurried to transfer myself into bed. To bury myself between folds of cloth and shut out voices I wasn't actually hearing. 

* * *

I was scaling the mountain. Slowly, but confidently, I walked. My paws brushed dirt and grass, overturned the odd flower. Strong without trying. Strong enough to know that nothing-- no one-- could stop me from reaching the top of the mountain. 

Why did I want to reach the summit? What would it look like? I didn't know. I'd never been there before and yet I felt compelled. Like some supernatural force beyond my body was calling me up, up, ever higher. I had to see what was there. 

It was a hot day. The sun bore down; my fur felt matted against my skin. I only felt warmer the further I ascended, but I would not be dissuaded. Even as my paws ached and my tail felt ever heavier, I kept climbing. For what felt like hours, I marched on. 

Until I was there. I reached the summit, but before I could even register the sight I felt a frigid wind blow straight through me, playing my bones like wind chimes. 

The grass beneath my paws was frozen. Dead. It crunched beneath my weight, tiny shards of ice. My limbs, too, were freezing. Snow flew past me faster than my eyes could follow. I had to escape, to descend. But already I could barely lift my feet. 

* * *

My mother had looked angry when she'd entered the room and seen her phone lying on the ground. She opened her mouth to scream, but stopped. She never actually said anything. 

By the time she laid her eyes upon me I had crawled into bed and curled my knees up against my chest. I wrapped my arms around myself and pressed my head against my thighs. One second I was fighting the urge to scream. The next, I didn't think I'd ever be able to speak again. 

_“They don't know if he's going to make it.”_

_No!_ I screamed without opening my mouth. _No!_ The tears did not arrive slowly but quickly and in excess; my face felt flush with heat. Sweat beaded down from my forehead, my breathing hitched, and after rocking myself back and forth I finally became capable of sound. 

My sobs shook the entire house, my mother would tell me later that night. Impossible though that was, I felt it to be true. 

_“My soul is always with you.”_

__

__

Ash. Ash! Ash! Ash...

_I'm with you. Feel me. Please. If I ever lose you too...I’ll go crazy._

My mother never said a word from the moment she entered the room. At least, not before I passed out between sobs. 

* * *

_Cold. It's so cold,_ I thought, mouth already half-frozen, my teeth unable to even chatter against each other. I had to get out. To get down. But already, I knew, it was too late. 

And then I saw the tail. Another tail. Like mine. A leopard. But where? Where did it--? It appeared, then disappeared just as quickly. I'd reached the stage of freezing where my grip on reality was shattering like crystals on the blades of grass beneath me. There was nothing-- no one--

Until there was. I felt a warm heat beside me, beneath me, above me. All around, somehow, moving about me, warming me and...nudging me forward?

Slowly I felt the warmth extend beyond the surface of my fur and down into my skin, then deeper, deeper, as if...

I opened my eyes. I didn't know when I'd closed them; it was like regaining sight before realizing I'd lost it. And oh what sight: before me, a few yards farther down the trail descending the mountain was another leopard.

It smiled at me. 

Or rather, it didn't smile. Not like a human. In fact, one would struggle to find any feeling within those eyes. But I knew. Somehow. 

And then it walked right back up to me and brushed itself against me. Warmth. That warmth again, reinvigorating me. I noticed, then, that there was no ice left to melt. My jaw was not frozen shut; there wasn't even any hint of melted dew on my paws. 

The sun was out, but not squelching like earlier. It was just warm enough. The leopard smiled at me without smiling and turned away from me, descending the mountain. I followed after it, eagerly, refusing to let it escape my sight. Every few dozen yards or so it would turn back and smile again without smiling. Soon I had caught up and we were running side by side. We brushed against one another as we raced further down. Tails intertwining. Playing. We were playing!

I had never felt so happy, and before I knew it we had reached the bottom of the mountain. The grass was green and littered in soft puddles of white; lilac bushes encircled us both. Then, something occurred to me. I closed my eyes. When I reopened them the other leopard was gone. In its place sat a boy who was definitely smiling. 

"Eiji?" I asked with a human mouth. 

* * *

"Eiji?" 

I stirred awake. Groggy, I looked around me. Blankets. Pillows. I was in bed, knees still curled up to my chest. Heaviness. I felt as if my head was--

"Eiji?"

I looked over to the doorway. My little sister was there, holding a phone. My mother's cell phone. I flashed back to when I'd hurled it at the wall. Stupid. So stupid. But at least it didn’t look broken--

"Ibe-san has another message for you," she said. She set the phone on the bed beside me and left. As I heard the door click I stared at the name "Shunichi" on the screen. I trembled. How many hours had it been since the last time I heard his voice? I grabbed the phone. 

"Ibe-san?" I croaked out. 

"Ash," he said. He sounded like he'd been crying, only...he didn't sound sad. My heart skipped a beat. "He woke up. Max said he woke up. They said he's gonna make it. Ash is alive."

Sometimes tears fall happily. Other times they fall like rain, like confirmation that the sky will not fall with them. Like the sun and the moon above are safe in place and the ground is stable beneath your feet. Like the world's not crumbling under or above you. Like--

"Ash!" I cried. "Let me talk to him! I have to tell him--"

"I know," Ibe-san said. I felt his warmth through the phone. "I'm not sure when you’ll be able to but I'm trying. It'll probably be at least a few hours. I'm going to get you on the phone with him as soon as I can."

My finger flitted across the "End call" button. I laid back on the bed, not curled into a ball but outstretched like a river. Life flowed back into me as I drifted into an exhausted sleep. 

_Ash._

He’d made it down the mountain.


	2. Breeding lilacs

"Eiji?!" 

I screamed myself awake in my bed. Except it wasn't my bed. I looked down at myself and saw I was wearing scrubs. To my left were familiarly unfamiliar white walls. Utterly generic beige broken up only by the navy blue shut curtains of a window and gray medical equipment. Once you've sat in one hospital bed you've sat in them all. _Eiji!_ my mind raced again. I didn't care where I was, just how far I was from him. I shifted my weight to get up but was quickly slowed by a sharp soreness in my side. 

"Take it easy, boss," a voice from my right said. 

I whipped my head around. There, against the wall closest to the door, was a small sofa. Bones and Kong were sitting on it, beaming up at me. 

"Boss," Bones said. "We're glad you're awake." There were circles around his eyes and he looked like he might start crying again any second. 

"Just relax, boss," Kong said. "They said you shouldn't stand up for at least another twelve hours. Depending how you do, they said you can check out in two or three days."

"Eiji," I said. "Where's Eiji?"

"He's in Japan, boss," Bones smiled. "He got home alright."

"Max should be back in twenty or so," Kong added. "He's been trying to keep Ibe updated and Ibe's been talking to Eiji."

"How much does Eiji know?!" I found myself shouting. 

Bones looked down at the floor. "He knows you got stabbed. He-- we-- the doctors didn't think you were gonna make it at first." 

The implication of what Ibe would have told Eiji hung like a heavy stone above my head, threatening to crush me. 

"Eiji! Eiji, I have to let him know--" I yelled while looking frantically around the room. I had to get up, had to move, but the pain in my side stopped me from even fully shifting my weight. 

"Please don't move, boss," Kong said, looking both sad to see me injured and scared like he was afraid of how I'd react to him telling me what to do. 

"Max will be back soon. Don't push yourself or you'll be in bad shape again. Then Eiji will have to worry all over again," Bones said, taking a large gulp at the end. He, too, looked afraid. 

Angry as I was at the idea of anyone telling me to wait, of not running to Eiji that very moment, I knew I couldn't move. They were right. I sighed and laid my head back against the pillow. Before I knew it I was crying. 

"Boss...," Bones said, eyes wide. If he'd ever seen me cry before, he'd never let me know about it. 

Sitting there, desperate to run out the door and to the airport, I felt pathetic. I couldn't even muster the energy to get out of bed when Eiji needed me? When I--

When I needed Eiji. I needed to see him so badly. After a few minutes of silently crying in bed, and Bones and Kong staying equally staying silent while watching on, there was a knock on the door. 

"I'm coming in!" Max's voice called, and in he came, papers in hand and gaze down at the floor as if he no longer had energy to even hold his head up. "Jessica's gonna arrive in town tomorrow to help out," he said. "We'll make sure you guys have everything you need to take care of--"

His gaze finally left the ground and I watched his eyes widen as he realized that mine were open too. 

"Ash." His grip loosened and papers cascaded in a mess upon the floor. "You're awake."

"Hey, Dad." I managed a smile despite the pain in my side. "Get Eiji on the phone, will ya?"

Max snorted, laughing. "No 'Hey, what happened?' No 'Where am I?' Just Eiji, Eiji. You really are doing okay," he broke out into a fit of sobs. "Hold on, I'll ring Ibe--"

Before Max could finish his sentence I felt my energy draining, and sleep took hold of me again. 

* * *

"Ash!"

I woke up with a start. The room was dark and my body was heavy. I had passed out in my bed, but how long ago? Ibe-san, he had called me and--

Ash. He said Ash was alive. But looking out at the barely visible world around me, I felt a knot of dread tangle in my chest. _Please,_ I panicked, reaching for my mother's cell phone, still lying on the bed beside me. I pulled up Ibe-san's contact and pressed "Call" as quickly as I could. 

It only took two rings for him to answer, but it felt far longer as the knot twisted around itself inside me. 

"Hey, Okumura-san, I--"

"Ibe-san!" I shouted over him. 

"Oh, Eiji! Y...yes?" he asked. 

"Tell me it was real."

"Wh...tell you what was real?"

"What you said to me before. Tell me it was not a dream. Tell me Ash is...Ash is..." I started choking on sobs. 

"Oh, Eiji," Ibe-san's voice lulled smoothly in my ear. "It wasn't a dream. Ash is alive. He's going to be okay."

The knot untangled instantly. I felt light, so light. And yet I felt more energy than my weak body had been capable of holding since-- since I last saw him, since I forced my way up out of bed and he--

"Eiji," Ibe-san's voice brought me back to the present. "I'm sorry I haven't had more to tell you. I know Ash has woken up at least once, though Max told me he drifted back to sleep soon after. He said--," this time it was Ibe-san who choked on a sob. "He said that the first word out of Ash's mouth was your name. All he wanted to know was where you were, if you were okay."

Tears streamed down my face. How many that day? How many in the time I'd known him, tears of worry and tears of relief. Tears, now, like fire burning within me. Like I'd had my life ripped away from me, embers blown out, just to ignite again and bring back warmth, bring back--

"Ibe-san," I choked out. 

"Yes?" he asked. 

"Take me to him." I felt like I was vibrating from the inside out, like bees were swarming inside my chest. "I--I need to see him now. I have to--"

"Eiji," Ibe-san said smoothly again, this time with a hint of guilt. "I can't. You really shouldn't be moving that much. The flight home was hard enough on you already, and your mother won't let me just--"

"I don't care!" I screamed at him. I heard a startled gasp in response. I'd never yelled at Ibe-san like this before, but if he wouldn't...if he...

"We'll figure out how to get you boys together as soon as we can," Ibe-san said softly. "Besides...I half-suspect Ash will try to sneak out of the hospital just to fly to you first." Ibe-san chuckled lightly, though his exhaustion showed through. "Two or three days. They plan on releasing him in just two to three days. Hold on, Eiji. He needs to rest, and you still should too."

"That's not soon enough!" I cried. I pictured Ash alone in a hospital bed, hardly able to move. Or not alone. I knew Max was visiting him, and probably Bones, Kong, all the rest, but--

"I know, Eiji," Ibe-san said. "I know. We'll figure it out soon. Who's flying where, and when. But first, I'll beg Max to let Ash call you the next time he wakes up, okay? That is, if Ash doesn't curse him into doing it before I get the chance."

"Ibe-san?" I asked, feeling myself calm slightly. For now. Ash was alive. Soon, I could hear his voice again. Ash--

"Yes, Eiji?" Ibe-san replied. 

"I love him," I said. 

_I love him,_ I thought. 

I'd known for a long time. Ibe-san had too, and Bones, and Kong, and probably Max, so why had I never...why had I never used those words? Why had I--

"I know, Eiji," Ibe-san said. I swear I heard him smiling through the phone. And as if reading my mind he said "Ash does, too."

* * *

Hazily, I felt my eyes flutter open and closed slowly, repeatedly. The light above me felt so bright at first; it took me a minute to get accustomed to. As my vision cleared up I saw Bones and Kong still on the couch with Max now sitting beside them. 

"Boss," Kong was the first to notice me wake up. 

"Ash," Max said, looking up from a lap full of papers and his cell phone and peering over at me. 

"Call Eiji for me, will ya? Pass the damn phone, old man," I mumbled, still too groggy to shout. 

"Okay, okay," Max said, "Lemme try and ring Ibe. We've gotta play phone-tag; Eiji's mom hasn't let him have his own phone back since he got home. Overprotective, I guess. She's worried that--"

"That what, the gay American gangster still isn't done with her son?" I asked. 

Max was silent for a moment then sighed. "Yeah, pretty much." He then touched his phone screen a few times and held it up to his ear. I heard faint dialing sounds for moment before they grew more audible; Max had put his cell on speaker mode. 

"Hey, Ibe, it's me. Ash is awake, think there's any chance you can get Eiji's mom to let him on the phone?"

"Good timing," Ibe-san said. "I think Eiji might still have the phone himself. Hold on, I'll see if he does and then pass the number along."

"Got it," Max said before hanging up. 

A few minutes later, Max's phone rang again and he answered it, still on speaker. 

"Hey, Eiji, is that you?" he asked. 

"Ash!!!"

Eiji's voice resounded through the room. I felt myself begin to cry. I wanted to cry out, to shout, but suddenly it was hard to speak. 

"He's here. Hey, Eiji," Max said. 

"Eiji!" Bones and Kong exclaimed in unison. 

I cleared my throat. "Eiji," I said weakly. 

"Ashe! Oh, Ashe, you sound-- are you okay? Ashe--"

"I'm okay, Eiji," I said, smiling as I kept crying. "Just tired. Oh, Eiji."

"Ashe," Eiji said, his voice now soft instead of shouting. "Ashe, I--"

"I miss you, Eiji," I croaked. I could see Max, Bones, and Kong looking emotional in my peripheral vision, like they would start crying too. 

"Oh, Ashe," Eiji said. "Don't worry, wait for me. Ibe-san tells me not to move but I will be there soon! I will roll myself to the airport alone if I have to!" 

"Oh, Eiji," I laughed. "Don't put yourself through that. Rest. In a couple days I'll be on a plane to you. That is, if you're still willing to show me around Japan?"

"Ash! Ash, of course," Eiji cried. "Always, I--"

"Ash," Max interrupted softly. "You need to take it easy, too. They say you should still rest even after you get out."

"So then I'll rest in Japan. Just try and stop me, old man," I snapped. 

"Oh, Ashe," Eiji laughed over the speaker, his voice sounding hoarse. 

"Alright, alright," Max grumbled. "I know I can't stop you. But!" He stood up. "I'm going with you. No ifs, ands, or buts. Someone needs to be with you on the plane and as you're healing. I'll find some excuse, some story to cover in Japan. We can't have you two hugging each other to death when neither of you should be moving."

"Yeah, yeah. Just buy your ticket soon or I'm leaving without you. And Kong? Bones?" I looked over at them. 

"Yeah, boss?" Bones asked. 

"Tell the guys to get together as soon as I'm out of here. I need to tell you all something before I go."

"We already know, boss," Bones smiled. "You don't know when you'll be back, right?"

Straight to point. I smiled. "Yeah." 

"Ash," Eiji said softly. 

"Yes?" I asked. 

"I need to tell you something."

"What's up, Eiji?" 

"I...I love you, Ash."

If I hadn't already been crying, I would have burst into tears. It took me a moment to compose myself enough to respond. "I love you too, Eiji." I glanced over at the couch and saw three blubbering babies. 

"Come soon, Ash," Eiji begged. "I can't wait to see you."

"Me too, Eiji," I said. "I'll have the big oaf over here let you and Ibe know when my flight arrives and everything."

"Okay, Ash," Eiji said. 

"Oh, and Eiji?" I added. 

"Yes, Ash?"

"Thank you."

"Oh, Ash-- wait! No! No, it is you who--"

"Hey now, don't get riled up," I laughed. "I love you, Eiji."

"I love you, Ash," he said for the second and far from last time. 

* * *

Our phone call had ended after Ash started to space out while we were talking and Max made him go back to sleep. Somewhere, Ash was sleeping. Peaceful. Alive. Ash...

_"I love you too, Eiji."_

Wanting out of the dark room, I transferred into my chair, rolled down the hall and out the side door. I found myself sitting in the garden, surrounded by flowers and bushes as truly alive as I was feeling. 

The lilacs in particular seemed on fire. Some branches drooped, overlapping dots of softness reaching for the ground. But others shot up, purple embers greeting the sky. From everywhere around me came scents of life. I thought about Ash's smile. About his grimaces, his tired pouting. His jokes at my expense, or about the sandwiches I made him.

"Eiji?"

I turned over my shoulder and saw my mother standing in the doorway. 

"You shouldn't exert yourself this much, Eiji. Just let us know and we can push you," she said. 

"I'm fine, Mom," I said. A gray-brown bird landed on one of the lilac branches and tweeted a bit as it hopped around. I smiled. "I'm good."

My mother was silent for a minute before walking up beside me and looking me in the face. "Eiji?" she said, eyes widening. 

"I'm good," I said, happy tears descending again. "He's okay. I'm okay."

My mother just stared at me, through me. Neither of us spoke for several minutes; we both just gazed at the bushes and listened as the bird chirped.

My mother broke our silence first. "You know I am uncomfortable with you seeing him. You go away and you meet him and then you get shot."

"Mom--," I started, blood boiling instantly. 

"But I will not stop you," she interrupted me. 

I stalled, feeling bewildered. She cleared her throat and began again. 

"I do not know this person. This Ash. I know you have gone to America and gotten hurt, and then come home and hardly said a word to me." Her voice was breaking and I looked down at the ground. I couldn't meet her eyes. 

"I also know," she said between deep breaths," that I did not see you smile for so long before you left. Or at all since you got home. And now...and now..."

She paused. All was still except for the bird's feet tapping upon the branches. 

"And now I see you smiling again. Now I see you looking happier than I have ever seen you." She cleared her throat before resuming. "If he makes you happy...if you can promise me he'll keep you safe...that I'll never get a phone call like that again, with Ibe-san apologizing before I even know why...then go. Go with him. Go to him. However you need to. Just..."

The bird resumed its carol. 

"Please come back and see me, won't you?" She then broke out in sobs, burying her face in her hands. 

"Mom...," I said, wheeling myself closer. I reached my hand up to her shoulder. "Of course."

She nodded between sobs, and kept crying for a few minutes. We sat together surrounded by the lilacs for a while before either of us spoke again.

"Do you love him?" she asked.

I was silent for a moment, surprised by her bluntness and unsure how she would react. Nonetheless there was no hiding it, nor did I want to.

"Yes," I said, smiling. "Very much."

She nodded again. "Eiji?"

"Yes, Mom?"

"I love you."

"I love you, too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> References are to The Waste Land by T.S. Eliot and When Lilacs Last in the Dooryard Bloom'd by Walt Whitman.


	3. Out of the dead land

"Why?"

"Why what, boss?" Alex asked. 

We were standing across from each other in one of our hideouts, with the rest of my guys strewn around the room: sitting on sofas, standing against the wall, guarding the door. Regardless of where their bodies were, their eyes all honed in on me. 

I gulped. My guys. But what right did I have to call them that anymore?

"Why aren't you all acting mad at me?" I asked, talking loudly with my hands as well. I thought of Eiji's animated body language and felt a surge of warmth, but I pushed it down. First, I had to patch things up with my guys. My guys--

"What are we gonna do, take you on? _The_ Ash Lynx? Please," Alex said with a smile. "Besides. We have no reason to be angry with you in the first place."

"But I-- I--," I stammered. "I don't know when I'll be back. Hell...," my voice grew quieter. "If I'll be back. I'm not saying goodbye forever, but...I don't know if I can ever be what I was to you again." I stared down at my feet, avoiding their faces. 

"Boss."

I felt a hand on my shoulder and turned to my right. There was Bones, smiling. 

"Do you really think all you are to us is our leader in a fight?" he asked.

Before I could answer another hand touched my other shoulder. To my left I now saw Kong. 

"I didn't mean that, but--" I began again, but stopped short as I watched more and more of my guys get up from their seats and walk toward me. 

"But nothing, Ash," Alex said, pulling me into a loose hug. Not too firm, but gentle. He patted my back twice and pulled away. "You'll always have a place here. But it's more important that you're happy."

"I... I..."

As Alex pulled away, others came closer. One after another, all my guys hugged me, patted my shoulder, or reached out hands to shake. Some said a few words while doing so, and others just smiled. I felt tears welling up again. What a baby I had become...

"Your flight is in an hour, right?" Bones asked. "Go do whatever you need to do before you leave. We'll be okay."

"Guys," I choked out, and several of them surrounded me in a hug at once. I thought of how that would have scared me once, how I would have fought them off. But in that moment, I didn't. I just let them, and... and...

I didn't want to disturb the moment. But I felt a force like gravity pushing me, calling me. I pulled back. 

"Go to him, boss," Kong said.

I looked around. Everyone else nodded or had looks of approval. 

Tears streaming down, I bolted for the door. 

"We'll be back someday!" I shouted, flinging the door open and beginning to sprint down the stairs. I heard a chorus of cheers and goodbyes as I raced away toward the airport, toward the plane that would take me to the person I loved most in the world.

* * *

"Did you want Ash to stay in your room?" my mother asked as we sat with my little sister at the kitchen table. I nearly spat out my milk. 

"I--I--," I stammered after gulping it down. My sister chuckled, happy as ever to see me flustered. 

"Or were you two going to get a hotel?" my mother asked. 

My sister snorted mid-bite of cereal, trying not to burst out laughing. My mother didn't know what image she was conjuring to mind-- did she?

"We... we...," I gulped again. "Is it okay if we stay here for a few days? Ash is also recovering. It would be good for both of us to rest a bit."

"Of course. I am not going to kick you out for loving a boy. Or kick the boy you love out."

That time I did spit out my milk. "Mom!"

"Awww, Eiji is embarrassed we know about his boyfriend!" my sister laughed. 

"I-- I-- I am your elder! Show me respect!" I huffed before going back to eating. 

"You do plan to leave with him, though, don't you?" my mother asked. 

I looked at her, unsure what exactly she was implying. 

"You are at the age where it's normal to move out on your own anyway, and you can afford to. Plus, with your boyfriend--"

My sister burst out laughing again. 

"--With your boyfriend," my mom repeated, "coming here, I imagine you won't want to spend your days with us anymore."

"I-- I-- of course I'll visit!" I stammered, then realized what I'd said. Visit. Ash and I hadn't talked about moving out together but it was what I wanted, wasn't it? To spend my days with him. It would spare him my sister's incessant teasing, too...

"Take your time," my mother said. "I will not rush you."

I nodded. "Thank you," I said quietly. 

_Ash._

_He should be on his plane now,_ I thought. In a matter of hours I would meet up with Ibe-san to pick him up from the airport and...

Ash. He would be there. I would see him in just a few hours. I...

"Thank you for the meal," I said, grabbing my dishes to wash and rolling my way over to the sink. "After this I think I'd like to rest in my room a bit."

"Leave them there, big brother, I'll get them," my sister said. "You do daydream about your foreign, blond, English-speaking hunk of a boyfriend."

"Hunk?!" I exclaimed. 

"You let me see that one picture!"

"Please do not tell him he is a hunk," I sighed, clueless how Ash would ever react to such a descriptor. I rolled to my room, transferred into bed, and daydreamed about my boyfriend. 

_Is that what he is?_ I wondered as his face and memories of laughing with him fluttered across my mind. 

_I'd like him to be,_ part of me thought instantly, and I clutched a pillow to my chest, tightly, like I would Ash as soon as I saw him.

* * *

"So, Dad," I said, looking over at Max as he sat in the seat next to mine and flipped through a newspaper. "What excuse did you give them to let you come here?"

We were sitting together on the plane, about three hours into our flight with countless more to go. Thus far I'd spent the ride trying to read some books I packed, but I couldn't stay focused on anything. Not with the thought of Eiji's face interrupting every paragraph, every sentence. 

"Another country, another corrupt politician," Max said, thumbing the paper. "Nothing particularly unique or noteworthy about this one. I figure I'll just have to come up with the 'Why' for the piece once I actually get back."

"Finding any ideas in the paper, old man?" I asked. "I can't believe you still read those."

"I write for one and you know it!" he huffed. "Besides, I've seen you flip through plenty."

"Was different," I mumbled. "Research. Making sure my plans for Golzine worked out properly."

"Yeah, checking on your embezzlement. I bet I could write quite the story on you," Max said, sticking his tongue out at me. 

"How juvenile," I said. 

"You-- you-- you're only technically an adult!" he huffed again. I laughed. Now that I thought about it, I teased him about his age back when we first met too. 

"There's nothing left to write," I said, looking out the open window and seeing nothing but cornfields. We hadn't even made our way across America yet. "I won't get involved in any more scandals ever again."

"Oh? Then what will you do?" His tone softened a bit; I could tell he actually cared about the answer. 

What would we do? After we met up, would Eiji really show me around his town? Around Japan? Could we really travel together? Would he really be happy to have me with him for that long? And where at?

After a long pause of wondering myself, I answered. "Dunno. Just gonna see Eiji. Nothing matters besides that."

Max looked at me, mouth open slightly. 

"What? Surprised I have feelings too?" I gave him a mocking grin. 

"No," he said, smiling back, sincerely. "That's not surprising at all."

I felt my mouth droop a bit and I looked back out the window. Soon, but still so far away, I would see Eiji. Would apologize for all I'd put him through. 

"Don't worry about it," Max said. 

I looked back at him. 

"It's written all over your face. Don't worry. Eiji wants to see you just as bad as you want to see him. And you two can go wherever you want. You don't need to know now. You'll have all the time in the world."

Staring out at the fields below us, I thought about the mountains and oceans yet to come. Of the scope of the world. Of the idea of seeing it. Not just Japan, but anywhere else Eiji and I wanted to go. And I felt that it didn't matter where that was, just so long as--

"Ash," Max interrupted my thoughts again. 

I tore my gaze away from the window. 

"Eiji loves you, too."

I felt a tear run down my cheek and immediately rubbed it with my sleeve. "Corny old man," I grumbled, picking one of my books back up. Max chuckled, turning the page in his newspaper. 

Hanging high above the ground, at the mercy of the pilot and the heavens, I didn't feel content. I was still too far from Eiji. But for the moment, at least, I felt safe. And I felt a force, magnetic, once again drawing me toward him, no matter how many hours away he still was.

* * *

"Ibe-san?" I asked. 

"Yes" he replied. 

"Have you ever had a lover?"

"What?!"

I was in the passenger seat of his car, and he was driving us to the airport. As long as there weren't any delays, I would see Ash in about an hour. It felt like forever, but compared to the last several long days of waiting, it felt like a relief. Soon, so soon...

I looked at Ibe-san and his face was flushed pink. He averted my gaze, keeping his eyes straight on the road ahead of him. 

"I think I want Ash to be my boyfriend. How do I ask him to be my boyfriend? I don't understand how we ask, much less how Americans do."

Ibe-san's expression softened. "Oh. That's all you meant. I think you should just tell him, Eiji."

"But what if he turns me down?' I asked. The thought had crossed my mind repeatedly ever since breakfast, and I couldn't picture a much sadder way to mess up seeing him again. He'd said he loved me too, and I knew he meant it, but--

"Eiji," Ibe-san said firmly. 

I looked over at him. 

"You're overthinking again," he continued. "You could ask that boy to marry you in the airport lobby and I don't think he could tell you no."

It was then my turn to blush, turning away and making a point of looking out the window, avoiding Ibe-san's gaze. 

"Sorry, sorry, I don't mean to tease you. But I do mean what I said. Ash loves you just as much as you love him."

I felt my blush intensify. Despite all my bold declarations over the last few days, it still felt embarrassing to hear those words from someone else. Looking back on all I'd told Ibe-san in my desperation, I felt white-hot embarrassment. Had I really been so bold?

"So how about it?" Ibe-san asked. "One day after you all travel wherever you wanna travel, settle down wherever you want to live. I could walk you down the aisle, pass you on to that American gangster. The one you met when you were nineteen, who you walked right up to in his hideout and asked if you could hold his gun."

I snorted. "You said you didn't mean to tease me!" I protested as Ibe-san just laughed at me. But after a moment's glance out the window I mumbled, "...That could be nice."

Ibe-san glanced over at me as we stalled at a red light. I blushed, trying not to meet his eyes. 

"Oh, Eiji," he said. "This might be wrong of me to say after you got hurt, but...I'm so glad I took you to America. If I hadn't...," his voice caught in his throat. "...I don't think I ever would have seen you look so happy."

And with that we both cried as we finished making our way to the airport.

* * *

"This way, Ash," Max said, tugging me along as I tried not to panic at the sheer number of people around us. Coming and going from each direction, some on their phones, some sipping coffee, all getting on with lives I'd never know about. All just rushing past each other as I longed to rush toward Eiji. 

"You have to give your old man at least this much," Max interrupted my hurried thoughts, patting me on the shoulder. "I know my way around an airport. Just stick right by me and we'll reach the right gate in no time."

"You can read the signs?" I asked, lugging along one of his suitcases. _What did he pack in these things?!_

"Nope!" Max exclaimed with a smile. "I'm a reporter. I can feel my way in or out of anything."

"Like when you and Ibe felt your way into the mental health center and I had to save your asses?" I deadpanned. 

"Now, now," Max chided. "Today it's our turn to help you. 

We walked quietly for a few more minutes as I just thought of Eiji. By the time Max spoke up--

"That should be our waiting area right over--"

\--I saw him. The back of his head at first. Ibe-san was facing me, though he hadn't noticed us yet. Eiji was sitting in a wheelchair and facing away from me. Nonetheless, just from the tilt of his head and slant of his arms I could tell he was pouting, like Ibe had been teasing him over something. I broke out in a sprint. 

"Careful with my luggage, Ash!" Max called from behind me, the warm tone in his voice indicating that he wasn't actually worried. 

"Max?" Ibe-san perked up. 

"Eiji!" I cried from across the room, running as fast as I could. 

"Ash?" Eiji turned, eyes widening and mouth dropping. "Ash!"

He started rolling himself over to me too, but I'd already made it almost the entire way to them. I set the suitcase to the side, bent down to Eiji's eye level and threw my arms around him, pressing my chest as tightly against his as I could. 

"Eiji," I whispered, lifting one hand off his back to rub through his hair. "Eiji...Eiji...," I felt myself begin to sob, and Eiji shook within my arms.

"Ash," he cooed into my ear. "Oh, Ash..." I felt his firm hands grasp my shoulder blades, and thousands of miles away from New York, it felt like home. 

"Max."  
"Hey, Ibe-san."

Our guides made their way over to us as well, shaking each other's hands and beaming. I was hardly conscious of them, though. Everything around me was a blur, except for the sensation of Eiji in my arms. The scent of his hair. The touch of his skin. The...

taste of his lips. Suddenly, I felt him lift his head out of the crook of my shoulder and he brushed his lips up against mine. My eyes widened at the sight, him caressing my jaw with his fingertips as he kissed me, eyes closed and streaming down tears. I closed my eyes as well as they too shed tears, and I lost myself in the feeling of kissing him back. An image of birds fluttered through my mind, then of two leopards with lilacs strewn around them and adorning the ground at their feet.

I don't even know how long we embraced like that before Max piped up. 

"Hey now, you two, you've given everyone quite a show," he said. 

"Don't you have something to ask Ash, Eiji?" Ibe asked. 

Eiji glanced over at Ibe and glared at him, then turned back to me. His mouth slackened, hung open.He stared at me, through me. If it had been anyone else I would have been unnerved, but it wasn't. It was him, and...

"Ash?" Eiji croaked, massaging my jaw. 

"Yeah, Eiji?" I asked, touching my nose to his. 

"Will you be my boyfriend?"

My own mouth dropped. I stared into his watery eyes with my own, pulled him back into a tight embrace, and kissed him softly, slowly. 

"Yes," I croaked, pulling back for air. "If you'll have me."

"Forever, Ash."

I deepened the kiss and ran my hands through Eiji's hair as he did the same to me. We had more than a few onlookers, Ibe told us later. Max had to physically pull us apart so that we'd actually get going instead of staying, chest pressed tight against chest, mid-embrace in the middle of the airport.


	4. Mixing

"How much farther is it?" Max asked. 

"Just about ten minutes," Ibe replied. 

The four of us were all packed into his van with him driving, Max in the passenger seat, and Eiji and I in the back. Max had had to forcefully pull Eiji and I apart at the airport, leading to my grumbling and Eiji's embarassed laughing. Seeing Eiji's face light up had soothed my own irritation and so we'd made our way to the parking lot with me refusing to let anyone else push Eiji's chair. He'd glance up at me frequently, just smiling and chuckling, and I blushed more in that short walk than ever before in my life. I alternated between avoiding his gaze and smiling back at him until we made it to the car. 

Once he was all buckled in it didn't take long for Eiji to start feeling tired. He reached his hand out toward mine and I grabbed it gently, massaging his knuckles with my thumb. After a few minutes he was asleep, and truth be told, I was tired too. But I didn't want to miss a single sight as we made our way to his house. I half-listened to Ibe and Max as they chatted up front but mostly I just glanced out the window, following the paths of roads, cars, trees, grass. Looking out and thinking that everything I was seeing, Eiji had seen before too. Had grown up with. 

I'd spent the last two years with him, but there was so much of his life before that I knew nothing about. I knew he had once been an athlete, and that his injury had hit him hard. But still-- I remembered the day we first met-- I had seen him fly. 

Had he soared through a sky like the one currently above us? Was this a street Eiji took often? Did he have memories of the foliage speeding past us, or was it just a glimpse in the mirror, a blurred recollection between point A and point B? 

_There's still so much more,_ I thought. Eiji had promised to show me around Japan, around Izumo. I smiled at the idea of just following Eiji's lead, letting him take me wherever he wanted. I couldn't imagine anything better. 

"Mm...are we..." I heard him mumble beside me. I turned to him and squeezed his hand. 

"What's up, Eiji?" I asked. 

"Where's...the pumpkin patch?" he asked, eyes still closed. 

I blinked. _Still asleep,_ I thought. And there was, it turned out, one place I didn't want Eiji to lead me to. 

"Alright, we're turning in now," Ibe said up front. 

I looked back out the window just as the car turned off the road and down a long driveway. I could see a house-- Eiji's house, I gulped-- further down. The yard was well-managed and off to the back right I saw what looked like it might be a garden. 

"Wake up, Sleeping Beauty," I said, patting Eiji on the forehead. 

"Don't," he said, stirring awake. "Don't make fun of me."

"I'm not." I smiled down at him as he slowly opened his eyes and peered up at mine. He blinked. 

"Ash," he said. 

"Yeah?" I asked, still smiling. 

"You're here," he said, squeezing my hand. 

"Yeah, Eiji," I said. "I am."

* * *

As soon as we arrived at my house, Max and Ibe-san ushered Ash and I into bed.

My mother and sister weren't home. Ibe-san said mother had forgotten some ingredients she planned on using for lunch and took my sister out with her to go shopping. They'd meant to get home by the time we did but got held up in traffic. 

"We're gonna wait up for her, but you two need to get to bed," Ibe-san had said. Ash had started to fight back but Max physically pushed us both into my room and closed the door behind us. 

"Rest! Doctors' orders! Both of you!" he proclaimed. 

I looked up at Ash meekly. "It might be nice to lie down."

Ash nodded, the fight in his eyes gone as soon as he saw that I did actually need the rest. He grabbed my hands as I got up and helped me into bed, then laid down beside me. We each laid on our sides, staring at one another with only about two feet of space between us. 

"Take your time and rest," Ash said softly. "They're right, you need it."

"And you, as well!" I said, poking him in the shoulder. 

He just smiled at me. "Nah, I'm good," he said, shifting onto his back and setting his hands beneath his head. "I'm here."

I felt a warmth in my chest. "Yeah," I said, turning onto my back as well. We both laid quietly for a few minutes just staring at the ceiling, familiar to me but alien to Ash. 

"I can think of worse things," I smirked, breaking the silence. 

"Than what?" Ash asked. 

"Than being confined to a bed with you," I said. 

Ash turned to look at me. His face was flushed red, and I just smiled gently at him. 

"You pervert," he said, but the upward creep of his lips gave him away. 

"I am so very glad you are here," I said. 

"Why, so you can protect me?" Ash asked. 

"You read my letter," I said, shifting back onto my side. 

"Yeah, Eiji, of course," Ash said, turning back to me as well. "It..."

His voice trailed off. I saw tears form in his eyes. 

"Ash...," I began. 

"It made me really happy," he cried. 

I reached a hand out to him and after a moment he grasped it in his own, gently. 

"I don't know how to be a boyfriend," he admitted. "Part of me still can't help but feel afraid you'll realize I'm dangerous some day."

I began to open my mouth but he shook his head and continued. 

"But I'm done listening to that part of myself." He took a moment to wipe away some of his tears. "You always held me without wanting anything back in return. And when I read your letter, I... I..."

He trailed off again. I slowly brought my hand up against his cheek, hesitantly, ready to withdraw it if he resisted. Instead, he leaned into the touch. 

"...I realized I couldn't bear to run away from you anymore. No matter what Blanca, or Dino, or anyone else said." The tears were flowing faster now, and he was trembling. 

I shifted myself forward, pressed my chest up against his, and brought a hand to his back. 

"I am here, Ash," I said softly, "And you never have to fear either of them-- or anyone else-- ever again." 

He sobbed a little bit and I rubbed his back. Again, he leaned into the touch. 

"And we can go anywhere, or do anything you want," I continued. "I promised I'd show you around Japan, but I'll go anywhere you want. Hold you whenever you want. Or not touch you, when you need. If it's too painful."

Ash sobbed harder for a few minutes before opening his eyes back up and looking at me. 

"I guess you really are the one protecting me, huh?" he asked. 

"Forever, Ash," I said and we both cried, content just to lie there together with not a care who was beyond the door, across the ocean, or anywhere else. 

* * *

"よろしくおねがいします 。"

I bowed in front of Eiji's mother, or at least, tried to bow. Was this right? I felt like a plank of wood, holding my back so straight. 

I was standing across from her in the dining room. Eiji was in his chair beside me and Max and Ibe were both already sitting at the table along with Eiji's little sister. I tried to glance back up at Mrs. Okumura while still bowing. She just stared at me for a moment before bursting out laughing. 

"Eiji, you didn't tell me he already knew Japanese!"

"Just a few phrases," Eiji laughed. "I'm gonna teach him." 

I remained bowed, feeling silly, like I probably should have stopped already but standing up would also feel like an admission of my own obliviousness. 

"It is nice to meet you too, Ash. I do not know much English, but I will try," Eiji's mother said, smiling at me. I stood up straight and let out a breath I hadn't realized I was holding. I didn't seem to have made a totally awful first impression. 

"Come sit down," Eiji's sister called from the table. "I want to get a closer look at you, Mr. Eiji's Blond Hunk Boyfriend."

"B... B...," I stuttered. 

"I told you not to call him that," Eiji said, rolling his eyes. Then he grabbed my hand and started wheeling over to the table. "Come on, Ash. Let's eat."

"いただきます。" I said, following him over and sitting down. 

"Someone really is studying," Eiji's sister laughed. I had spent my bedridden days at the hospital studying a Japanese For Dummies book I barked at Max to buy me. Not that I'd made much progress since every line just made me think back to when Eiji was teaching me in person, right before--

"You okay?" Eiji whispered, squeezing my hand. I nodded, trying to will away the tension in my shoulders. I was in Japan, with Eiji. He was still recovering, yes, but he was safe. And I--, I--

"So, Ash," Max said as he picked at his food with his chopsticks. "Have you two decided what you're going to do once you're all healed up?"

I stalled. We still hadn't discussed anything in-depth. Eiji spoke up for me. 

"I'm going to take him all around Japan. By the end I can get a job, guiding American tourists and introducing them to natto."

"Those poor tourists," I said, taking a bite of the sushi his mom had prepared. Much better. 

Ibe laughed. "I'll be playing guide to the American too, helping Max out with his story."

Eiji smiled. "Maybe tonight we can all--"

"Tonight nothing," his mother interrupted. "You'll both be going back to bed and resting."

Eiji's sister stuck her tongue out at him and he huffed. 

"Maybe tomorrow or the day after we can all go somewhere for lunch," Max offered up. "Tonight Mrs. Okumura, Ibe, and I have some more shopping to do."

"Shopping for what?" Eiji asked. 

"That's for you to not find out," his sister teased. "And I'll be in charge of making sure you two don't leave or do anything stupid." 

This time it was Eiji who stuck his tongue out at her. Even as he was acting immature I just stared at his hair, so soft...

"All okay, Ash?" Ibe asked. 

I froze for a second and then looked away, blushing. "Yeah." I'd been caught. 

I felt eyes staring back at me and when I hesitantly glanced over there was Eiji, grinning. 

"How is your food, Aslan?" he asked. 

I felt my cheeks redden further. "Better than natto," I said, shoving another bite of sushi into my mouth.

"You are going to see every inch of Japan, and taste every type of natto."

 _What a threat,_ I thought, but as I looked back into his eyes I couldn't help but feel excited. "Okay," I said, no longer caring who saw me staring at him. 

The rest of dinner passed uneventfully, with the adults mostly talking among themselves while Eiji and I stole a fortune's worth of glances at one another.

* * *

"So...what do you wanna do?" Ash asked. 

I looked over at him. It was dark outside, long after dinner, and my family had gone to sleep and Max was staying with Ibe-san. Ash and I had quietly ventured outside and were now sitting in front of the garden. I was in my chair and Ash was on the steps beside me. I watched his hair blow in the light breeze, looking as soft as ever. 

I wasn't sure how to answer him. I could have come up with some plan for the next day, but I knew that wasn't what he meant. 

"Would you really like for me to show you Japan?" I asked. 

Ash perked up. "I would love that," he said. The wind blew through his hair and the branches reached out behind him, shaking. Lilacs seems to ignite with color; I felt warmth on my skin as if they were burning.

"Me too," I said. 

After another minute of us just sitting among the flowers in silence, Ash continued. 

"And then...is it okay if I stay with you?"

"Only if you work on your Japanese," I teased.

"Consider it done." He smiled, and I felt calm surge through me. Here, under the flowers, we could stay forever. Or--

"You know," I said, "My mother asked me when we're going to get a house to ourselves."

Ash blinked. "Already?"

"Yeah," I laughed.

Ash curled his head up against his knees and smiled. "That doesn't sound too bad."

"And Ibe-san even asked when we're getting married."

Ash stared at me, mouth agape, before turning the thought into a question. "And what did you say to that?" he smirked. 

I averted my eyes, hoping the darkness would obscure my blush. "...Could be nice," I whispered. 

I stared at the flowers to my side, insistent that Ash not see my face, though not for lack of trying on his part. 

"Yeah. It could be," he said softly. 

I gave up on hiding and looked back at him. He was smiling. 

"I can tell you're blushing," he said. 

"Observant American!" I huffed. "You all think you know so much."

"I know...," he began, and then I heard him stand up. He walked up to me, bending down to press his hand to my shoulder and his nose to my nose. "...what you want to do."

"Yeah," I huffed. "I just told you. Know-it-all American."

"Not that," he smirked. I was very aware that I was still blushing. "I know what you want to do right now."

"What's that?" I pouted, turning my head away. 

"You want to roll back to your room and for me to hold you and brush your hair until you fall asleep."

I gulped, glancing back at him. "How did you know?"

"Because I want to, too."

And so we did. He ran his hands through my hair and I ran mine through his, and the last thing I saw before falling asleep were his blond eyelashes embroidering eyes that had already closed to dream.


	5. Memory and desire, stirring

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning: this chapter includes references to Ash's experiences as a victim of rape/sexual assault.

_His eyelashes look so soft,_ I thought. 

I was lying in bed on my side early in the morning, staring at Ash as he slept beside me. 

His mouth hung slightly open as he took shallow breaths, his chest expanding in and out rhythmically. He hardly made any sounds. Ash wasn't one to snore, I'd long since learned. Whether sharing a bed or just sleeping in the same room, I already knew from our time in America that it was a bad sign for him to make noise while sleeping. A sign of nightmares, the sound of memory. Of Ash whispering names fearfully or yelling them out in terror. 

But in that moment, Ash did not seem afraid. He just seemed asleep, and I was strangely happy for it. I'd stirred awake about two hours earlier than usual, and Ash already liked to sleep in later than me. He most likely wouldn't wake up for quite a while and I was content just to let him rest. 

And, admittedly, to stare at him. 

What did I want to do? It was the question everyone kept asking me. Supportively, like they would move the earth to make whatever I wanted happen. Nonetheless, I was a bit tired of hearing it. It had been a week since Ash arrived and I was still content just to spend my days resting and helping him rest. Not to mention, it was hard to picture what I should want beyond that. 

I flashed back to high school, to forward momentum, to the lift of my body across air. To my escape from the ground, like I could traverse the wind as though it were water, like gravity couldn't quite catch me. Until it did. 

I remembered how suddenly my prospects were dashed,the top of the sky no longer in reach. Clouds retreating ever farther from me. 

_Let them,_ I thought, surprising myself in my own nonchalance. But why, after all, should I cling to a realm I'd only ever be able to brush against? A door I could knock on but not open?

More important than any sense of what was achievable, however, was the simple knowledge that I no longer felt some primal need to escape the ground. I could never pick back up where I left off, and I no longer wanted to. 

_We can do whatever you want to._ Ash's words of encouragement from across the week prior resounded in my mind. What did I want? To hold him, obviously, and to support him as he discovered new interests himself. He was out of New York, out of Golzine's clutches, out of the country where he'd felt so much pain. 

But still, sometimes at night, said country made its way back to him in his dreams. Dino's hand rose out of the grave to drag Ash down, to furrow his brow, trigger sweat upon his skin. To force mumbled words of resistance from his throat.

But then Ash would wake up. On some days he'd largely remain in that haze and I'd hold him or give him space as needed. On others he'd point at a picture in a guide book Max bought him and ask me about it. Regardless of what it was, I'd make a mental note: show him this. Take him there. Give him more memories besides the ones he dreams of now. 

Ash was smart, capable. He could teach himself to do anything he wanted. He was already a good writer, not to mention in tune with his body. I suspected he wouldn't want to dive into athletics, though. The rush of adrenaline was one he'd already felt too much of. 

But what did I want to do? The question returned. I thought of camera shutters, of shot compositions and filtering light. Of shifting focus, discovering images inside of images, creating something new from what was right in front of me. 

Truth be told I hadn't been immediately enamored with photography. It was more like something that was just _there._ Ibe-san had taken me in as his protege and it was something I did more because it was him and because I could no longer fly than because of any actual urge to photograph. 

I had, after all, gone from the subject to the creator. It felt strange. Back when I'd first met Ibe-san he'd captured me on film, shown me my face wearing expressions I'd never seen, never known I had. But clumsily holding the camera, I became aware that I was no longer the fly-boy, but was instead just on the ground looking up. 

_So what?_ I now thought. I looked over at Ash, still sleeping. I got out of bed as gently as I could, shifting back into my wheelchair. I wouldn't be needing it for much longer. In fact, I could already go short periods of time without it. I intended to save that energy for later however, when Ash awoke and I would take him wherever he wanted to go. Overprotective adults be damned, I would sneak him away somewhere today, even if just to tease him with a natto stand before finding food he would actually like. 

I rolled over to my desk and opened the drawer as quietly as I could manage, pulling out three manila folders. I opened two of them up, took out their contents, and began to spread them out on the desktop. 

Pictures of New York, but not just New York. Of Cape Cod, of California. Some full of faces: Bones, Kong, Alex, Ibe-san, Max, Jessica, Shorter. I felt a pang of sadness peering at a shot of me and Shorter standing in front of the Hollywood sign. Still, though, I was glad I had it. I smiled. 

Then I opened up the third envelope and, again, splayed out the contents: pictures of Ash. Some shots had both of us, smiling in the old apartment. Others were of just him, glancing over at me and grinning mischievously. I remembered his frequent teasing as I took his picture. "Like what you see?"

The one that I liked most was of Cape Cod, of Ash alone in a field and looking over his shoulder at me. He had the slightest smile on his lips, and immense joy in his eyes. I'd captured the moment right when he registered I was there. 

"Like what you see?"

"Agh!" I screamed, jumping in my chair. I turned around to find Ash standing behind me in a pair of my pajamas, hair matted and strewn chaotically to one side. He was beautiful even with bedhead. 

"I don't know," I stammered. "I think Japan will make for better pictures. Less mustard, less guns."

"It's your own fault if you somehow get mustard on the lens, you weirdo," he cooed. I shivered. He had _cooed._ His mouth was now pressed against my neck. I felt the wet press of a kiss. 

"You really like looking at me, don't you?" he asked. 

I turned to face him and plastered on the biggest smile I could. "I sure do!"

His blush was instant and covered his entire face. Hurriedly, he looked down to the side. "Yeah, well..." he trailed off for a moment. "I don't mind if it's you."

I chuckled and motioned for him to tuck his head down closer to me. He obliged and I pressed a kiss to his lips. 

"Good morning, Ash," I said, tickling his nose against mine. 

"Good morning, Eiji," he said, bringing his lips back up against mine.

* * *

"Eiji?" I asked, poking my head out of his bedroom door and into the hallway. 

No response, although I did hear faint humming in the direction of the kitchen. The rest of the house was quiet. 

I'd been awake for about forty minutes. I'd woken up and instinctively reached toward Eiji's side of the bed, just to find him not there. He'd been over by his desk, looking over photographs he'd taken. Really good ones, although I still felt embarrassed looking at the ones he took of me. The ones with both of us, though...

My heart skipped a beat whenever I saw them. After teasing Eiji a bit he got back in bed and we cuddled, although he didn't let me get too settled in. He'd said it was time to be getting up for the day and went to make us tea. 

It had been a while since then, and now I was poking my head out the door to see if everything was okay. I entered the hall and headed toward the kitchen, humming noises sounding intermittently. I smiled once I got closer; it was definitely Eiji's voice. He was at the stove, standing in front of a tea pot. I didn't recognize the tune he'd been humming. 

"Hey, Eiji," I said, walking up behind him. I wrapped my arms around his chest and nestled my head against his neck. 

He startled slightly but tried not to show it. Then he turned his face toward mine with a smile. "Ash."

"What song is that?" I asked.

"It is just from an old commercial," he said. "Japanese kids' toy. Catchy."

"All okay? You've been taking a while."

"Sorry, I was just lost in thought."

"About what?" I tensed a little. 

"Don't worry," he said. How he could read so much from just my touch, I still didn't know. "We're in luck. My sister left early for school and my mom's doing errands. There's no one to stop us from sneaking out," he smiled. "So I've been thinking about where to take you."

I smirked. Going out did sound nice, but... "Will you be alright?" I asked. 

"I feel strong today," he said, bringing his lips up right beneath my ear and kissing the sensitive skin there. I trembled in a good way. Eiji...

"Just don't push yourself. Let's stay relatively nearby," I said. 

He hummed again, pouring the now finished tea into a pair of cups. "Drink your tea and I'll show you. Your tour of Japan will begin right down the street." He then turned to pass me a cup. 

I took it gratefully. "Okay," I smiled down at him before taking my first sip. "You sure you're up for it?"

"Yes. If I suddenly feel weak I have my big strong American boyfriend to carry me."

"Oh yeah?" I asked, setting my tea to the side. Before he knew it, I'd swept Eiji up in my arms and was holding him bridal style. 

"Ashe," he laughed, hurriedly setting his tea on the counter then wrapping his arms around me for support. "I am still feeling good right now!"

"Yeah," I said. "Me too." I tucked my head down for a kiss that Eiji reciprocated eagerly.

_I'm so lucky,_ I thought as we pulled apart and Eiji kept looking up at me, grinning. I felt my lip quiver, then a pressure in my chest. I looked down to find he had pressed his finger against it. 

"Finish your tea," he said, " And I'll show you Japan."

I obliged, and before long we'd gotten dressed for the day and were headed out the front door. I followed a few paces after Eiji; I had no idea where we were going. 

"Come on," Eiji turned back to me, smiling. He grabbed my hand in his own and pulled me up beside him. I felt warmth flood my cheeks. 

"Is this okay?" I asked. "I thought PDA was a no-no here."

"There aren't a lot of houses on the way," he said. "It'll just be us." He smiled and squeezed my hand. I squeezed it back. 

He was right. Besides a few long driveways, we didn't pass much for about fifteen minutes until we saw what looked like a strip mall up ahead. 

"We're here," Eiji said, grinning. As we got closer I saw a little shop whose sign I couldn't read but that had pictures which instilled the fear of God in me. 

"Not natto," I groaned. 

"It is very good for you," Eiji chided. "But no, not natto. We're going a few stores down."

I followed Eiji's lead and soon we stood in front of what looked like some sort of diner. I squinted at the sign but I didn't recognize any of the characters. Kanji, probably, and I was still barely beginning to remember any kana. 

"Line sushi," Eiji said. "They don't have this in America, do they?"

He opened the door and I followed him inside. We were soon facing each other in opposite sides of a booth with some sort of moving belt to our side. 

"Just grab what you think looks good," Eiji beamed. 

I watched as plates passed by, recognizing spring rolls and rice balls and, on occasion, the dreaded natto. Mostly, though, I saw various hunks of fish and seaweed. I took a chance on one and soon we were both eating. Eiji looked at home and as I thought about how cute he looked stuffing his face, I wondered if I could learn to feel at home there too. 

"It's good," I said between bites. 

"Save room for natto," Eiji said between bites of his own. 

"No way in hell," I smiled. 

The rest of breakfast passed similarly, mostly quiet with the occasional banter. At one point Eiji caught me staring and smiled warmly at me, to which I turned my head away, blushing. 

"You're cute when you pout," he said. 

Here we are in public and he's flirting with me in English, I mused, wondering if any other customers could understand us. 

"Yeah, well, you're cute when you--" I stammered, then stopped. Was I flirting back?

"When I what?" Eiji asked. "Don't leave me in suspense."

"When you..." I peered over at him, dark eyes shining bright and expectantly. I gulped. "Anything. All the time." I averted my eyes again, going back to my food. 

"You too, Ash," he said. Even without looking, I could hear the smile in his voice.

* * *

When we got back to my house we saw Ibe-san's car in the driveway. 

"Did the old man mention anything to you?" Ash asked. 

I shook my head. We entered the house and found not Ibe-san but Max waiting in the kitchen. 

"There you two are," he said. "You gave me a bit of a scare. I came to pick you up and had no idea where you were. I was just about to call Mrs. Okumura."

"Pick us up?" I asked. 

"Where are we going?" Ash asked. 

"You'll see," Max said. "But, Eiji...are you doing okay?"

I nodded. "Yes. Though if we're going out, I'll load up my chair just in case."

Max nodded and soon the three of us were on our way to... well, we'd find out. Max was driving Ibe-san's car and Ash sat up front next to him while I was in the back next to my folded up wheelchair. 

"I take it you're making progress, Eiji?" Max asked. 

I nodded. "Yes. I don't think I'll need the chair much longer."

"That's good," Max replied. "Wish I could say I was making progress. Turns out, getting a story is much harder when you don't speak the same language as most of your sources."

"Didn't you say a reporter could find his way around anywhere, figure out anything?" Ash asked. 

"Quiet, you," Max said. He grimaced but it wasn't sincere. Much as Ash's calling him "Dad" had always been a jab at his age, we all knew the feelings weren't just a joke at this point. 

The car ride took about half an hour. I mostly looked out the window and listened in on Max and Ash's back-and-forth. Sometimes Ash would look over his shoulder at me like he'd felt my gaze at the back of his head. I would then smile and he would smile back, huffing whenever Max commented on it. 

"Alright now, we're here," Max said as he parked the car in what looked like the lot for...a park? It wasn't one I had ever been to. 

We all got out of the car and I transferred into my wheelchair. Ash pushed me and I reached my hand up to his on the handle. He blushed and when Max looked over at us, I blushed as well. 

"Where's he taken us, Eiji?" Ash asked. 

"I don't know."

"What? Oy, old man, where are we?"

"Just follow me," Max said.

And so we did. We followed a path to the side, skirting through trees and with sight of a river not far off. After a few minutes we reached a clearing with tall grass and some wooden tables and benches. The only people in sight all stood around one of the far-off tables. There was my mother, my sister, and Ibe-san, plus a giant banner hoisted over the table. 

"What's that say?" Ash asked. 

"Welcome home, Eiji and Ash," I said. 

Ash's pace slowed, and I looked up at him. He was wide-eyed, and frankly, I was surprised as well. As we got closer I saw food strewn out across the table, plus a few cameras. 

"Come on over and eat!" Ibe-san said, waving over at us. Ash pushed me the rest of the way as we and Max joined the others. 

"Dig in," my sister said, almost indecipherable, between bites of a hamburger. 

"Hope you saved some room," Ash said, squeezing my hand. I squeezed it back. 

"Hey Ash?" I asked. 

"Yeah?"

I motioned for him to lean his head down, and he complied. 

"Hm?" he said before I brought my lips to his for a kiss. I saw him blush before I closed my eyes and he shifted into it, both of us spending a moment just focused on each other before rejoining the world around us. 

"Damn, you've got him whipped, big bro " my sister laughed between more mouthfuls of food, this time chips. 

Ibe-san scratched the back of his head. "No one's kissed me like that in ages."

I felt the heat rise in my cheeks. "Let's get some food," I said, looking up at Ash. 

"Yeah," he said, also blushing. 

Our time spent at the park passed calmly, easily. Ash and I managed to eat a little bit, not completely full from the sushi earlier. Max talked about having to go back to America in a few weeks and Ibe-san talked about upcoming potential projects. The subject then, inevitably, turned back to what I wanted to do. 

"Do you ever still think about going to school for photography?" Ibe-san asked. 

"Yes. Well...no," I answered. "I want to keep taking pictures, but...I don't think I'll go back to school."

"Why's that?" Max asked. 

"I was looking over photos this morning and...I didn't need to go to school to take them. Ibe-san, you remember how we first met?" 

He nodded. "Of course."

"One day you just decided you wanted to photograph me. In America I saw things around me and wanted to do the same. I think I'm more interested in just going wherever we want to go and figuring it out from there."

I glanced over at Ash. He was listening attentively. 

"I don't know where I want to go, but... I have him."

Ash blushed lightly as I reached out and squeezed his hand. "Eiji," he whispered as he squeezed mine back. There was a a strain of sadness to his voice, subtle enough that the others probably wouldn't even notice. Still, it filled me with worry and I couldn't wait for the party to be over and to be able to ask him about it in private.

* * *

We were only out at the park for about two hours, but it dragged on for what felt like two days. The beginning had been okay, but...

Well, I was glad to get back home. To Eiji's home, at least, though he and his family were all doing their best to make me feel at home as well. The trip to the park and all the food had been part of that, but...

All the tall grass, the natural calm, had reminded me of several homes ago. Back before Golzine. And of when I'd gone back and... and...

I splashed water on my face. As soon as we'd gotten back to Eiji's house he'd gotten into bed and I'd told him I was going to take a shower. He nodded with a sad, knowing look in his eyes but thankfully he didn't ask. I just went into the shower and—

Smack!

—rubbed my face between my hands as I felt the hot water wash over me, my hair matting together in a long stringy mass like fraying rope. I thought about home. Where was home?

Images of places flashed across my mind. My father's house. The gang's old hideouts. Golzine's mansion. His bed, where...

I slapped myself in the face again and leaned over, pressing my hands against the steel wall of the shower. 

Here I was, across the world and I was still thinking about that place. Golzine was dead but Eiji was alive, and he held me, squeezed my hand, kissed me. but under the water, the only touch I could think about was...

Unwanted. Aged, calloused hands spreading me apart. I sobbed. Remembered the pain of blood and wounds long since healed up. I was fine now, physically, but...

I cried. I slumped down and just sat in the tub crying, rocking back and forth. I don't know how long I was like that before the flashes of memories were interrupted by knocking on the door. 

"Ash?"

Eiji. I'd been living in Japan and he had touched me, gently, sometimes passionately. He touched me and... it felt good. But then, sitting under the spray of hot water, I didn't want even him to touch me. The hair all over my body stood on end. I remembered Golzine's fingertips against my thighs. The Colonel's teeth against my neck. Other men, so many other men. A few women too, not any more welcome. I was too weak to answer the next knock on the door.

"Ash, I'm coming in, okay?"

I still couldn't form words. I just huddled further into myself, burying my face in my knees. I was glad the curtain would be in the way, would stop Eiji from seeing me like this. 

"Ash," he said, having opened the door and entered. He was now standing on the other side of the curtain. "I heard crying. Would you like to talk about it?"

I opened my mouth but still couldn't speak. I sputtered, couldn't even get a word out. 

"It is okay if you do not want to. Would you like me to touch you?" he asked. His voice was so soft, so gentle, so... caring. Like he cared how I felt about the touch of his fingers on my skin. Like he cared if I was smiling or frowning, coping or crying. 

I felt the lump in my throat melt just a little. "No," I shook my head. "Please. Not right now."

I saw Eiji's shadow nod on the other side of the curtain. He then leaned over toward the front of it, poked his hand in just far enough to turn the water off. 

"Should we at least get you out of there?" Eiji asked. "I can make you tea. Or anything you want."

It had happened too many times to count but once again the nature of my tears changed thanks to Eiji. The comfort of knowing he cared made my sobbing a bit more bearable, even if I still wasn't okay. I thought about his hands and flinched, still not ready to be touched by anyone. Besides that, however, I felt guilt over refusing him.

"Eiji," I said. 

"Yeah, Ash?"

"I don't... I don't know how long I'll be like this."

"Be like what?"

"Afraid of touch. I..." Another lump in my throat. I swallowed, then tried again. "I love it when you hold me. I really do. But... you know... I'm not always up for it. Sometimes hands... not yours, but any hands... remind me of his. Of theirs."

Eiji didn't ask who I meant. I knew that he knew already. 

"Don't you want a boyfriend who's not a ticking time bomb? Who you can more than kiss one day? Who... who can give you himself, all of himself? His..." I felt myself begin shaking again. "His body?"

"Oh, Ash," Eiji said softly from the other side of the curtain. I sobbed and he resumed talking. "You give me more than I could ever need. You don't need to worry about... about not letting me touch you enough? I love you, Ash. And... however much you want me to touch you is enough. I never want to do anything you don't want. I am not like them. You never need to worry about doing anything you don't want to every again. You're not just a body, Ash. Not just a...thing."

I sobbed harder. "Eiji..." I croaked. "Eiji..."

What did I want to do? I wanted to touch Eiji, and yet I didn't, I didn't want to touch anyone. I...

"I'll dry off. Go back to bed and I'll be there soon, okay?" I said. 

"Would you like some tea?"

"I... yeah. That could be nice."

"Okay. I'll go make some and see you soon, okay?"

Eiji left the room without kissing me, without touching me, without even opening the curtain. He closed the door and gave me the space to sit in my own body, to feel my hair swept across my damp scalp and open pores. I sat there in the tub for about five more minutes before finally lifting myself up and drying off. I took a long time in front of the mirror just adjusting my hair, looking into my own eyes. _Beautiful,_ Golzine, and so many others, had said. 

_"You're not just a body, Ash. Not just a...thing."_

* * *

I'd just finished making tea and brought it back to the room when the adjoining bathroom door opened. Ash stood in the doorway, dressed in my pajamas and with heavy eye circles like tree rings. 

"Hey, Ash," I said, patting the spot on the bed beside me. "Take it easy. I made your favorite tea."

"Thanks, Eiji," he sighed, then nestled in beside me. He took a cup from the plate in front of us and brought it up to his lips. 

"Nice and warm, right?" I smiled. 

He nodded between sips. 

"We don't have to talk tonight," I said. "Just rest. Drink your tea and you can go ahead and sleep if you're tired. I'll be quiet."

"No, I..." he gulped. "We can talk. I would...I would like to."

"Okay," I said. "Take your time. I'm here."

"Eiji," he repeated my name before setting his tea down and turning to look at me. He placed his hand on my shoulder. "Is this...okay?"

"Yes, Ash," I said. "Of course."

He sighed heavily, then spoke again. "I don't... I don't want to hold you back."

"Hold me back from what, Ash?" I asked, bringing my hand atop of his and squeezing it. 

"From going to school, from... going wherever you'd like to go. From having a boyfriend you can..." his voice cracked. "Who you can touch without worrying about if he can take it. Who you can..." 

He paused for a moment. I let the room stay silent, wanting to give him the time he needed, however much it was. 

"Who you can...make love to. Who can give you all that. Sooner, and easier than I can. I... I don't know how far I'll ever be able to go."

"Ash," I sighed, touching his other hand with my other hand. He didn't shirk away, but rather squeezed my palm. "I'll say it again: you are not just a body. I do not hold you because I want to have sex with you. I...I hold you because I love you. And I will always be willing to hold you, or to not hold you, whichever you want, no matter what. You don't owe me anything. I do not want a theoretical boyfriend. I want the one sitting by me right now."

Ash started crying and leaned his head down against my chest. I brushed his hair and resumed speaking 

"If you ever want to...make love to me, I am open to that. Although it is new to me, and I don't really know how. If you ever want to touch me, to hold my hand, I am open to that too. But I am...I am only interested in any of those things if they are what you want. I don't feel like I'm waiting, and you'll never run out of time. And if what you want is not to be touched, that is okay too."

"No," he shook his head, voice hoarse. I felt his hair, still slightly damp, against my chest and between my fingertips. "I... I think I want to. It's just hard."

I nodded. "It's okay, Ash. And as for school, and for going where I want to go... I just want to travel. To see new things and to photograph them. It's worked out pretty well for me so far. After all..." I played with his hair gently. "...That's how I met you."

Ash cried against my chest for a while. Leaning into each other's touches, navigating the comforts of our bodies, we held each other for a while without speaking. Eventually, we reached for our teacups again and finished drinking. Ash sighed, then squeezed my hand in his. 

"I love you, Eiji."

"And I love you, Ash."


	6. Dull roots with spring rain

"Lalalalala...lalala..." 

It was a nice day for humming and singing nothing in particular. The sky was bright blue with just enough clouds to help curb the sun's heat. They were slightly gray like it might rain in a few hours, but for the moment the weather was perfect. 

"Lalala..."

I was half-dancing around on the balcony as I kept picking up potted plants, setting them down, second-guessing myself, and then setting them elsewhere. We still had a lot of cleaning left to do around the apartment before our guests started arriving, but for some reason I had decided earlier that morning that it was finally time to go out and buy all the plants I'd been wanting to put up around the apartment.

And so there I was, fiddling with planters and bonsais, trying to decide on the perfect way to space them out without making the balcony too crowded. I wanted it just crowded enough, with space for our reading chairs and enough flowers to feel like home. The potted lilacs hanging right by the slightly open door were already my favorite of the bunch.

"You okay out there?" I heard Ash call from inside. "Need me to lift anything?"

"I am okay!" I shouted back. "I am the athlete, remember?!"

"Oh yeah?" Ash's voice sounded closer, and soon I felt him wrapping his arms around me from behind. He spun me around and lifted me up so I could see his smile and warm green eyes. I felt a light fluttering in my chest. 

"I'm pretty strong too, you know," he said, pulling me down just enough to press his nose up against mine. 

"Yes, yes, you are a big strong American," I said, pressing a finger against his chest. 

"The word your sister used was 'hunk,'" he smiled. 

"Over a year later and I will never forgive her for saying that," I said. "Now put me down, I have more plants to hang up."

"Okay, okay," he said, returning me to my feet. "What do you want for lunch?"

"Natto?" I said, trying to look as wide-eyed as possible. 

"Absolutely not," he quipped. "Hey Eiji?"

"Yes, Ash?"

He replied with a kiss while wrapping his arms around my back again, and I leaned into his chest as I kissed him back. God, it still felt so good. To kiss him, to have him there in Japan with me, and now in our own home as well.

"I'll go cook not-natto," he said, pulling back from the kiss. "Yell if you need any help."

"Okay, Ash," I smiled. He went back into the house and toward the kitchen and I looked back around our balcony. The left side looked pretty barren compared to the right. Maybe if I swapped the bonsais and pushed the succulent to the left as well...

I kept fiddling around with the plants for a while and my mind drifted to our company coming soon. We'd be picking up Alex, Kong, and Bones from the airport in the morning, and they'd be sleeping on the couch and in the guest room respectively. I smiled at the memory of their waving goodbye to me at the airport last time. I hadn't seen them since but, even removed from gang life, Ash and I both wanted them at the wedding. 

I gulped and felt myself blush, even with no one there to see. In two days Ash and I would...

My ruminations were interrupted by a delicious smell from the kitchen. Beef, most likely. I pushed one of the plants slightly to the side, stepped back, and looked at my work. Cozy. It looked cozy. Like I could picture Ash and I sitting in our chairs next to each other, lilacs hanging above our heads, and reaching our hands across to hold each other's in between reading. I gulped, walked back into the living room, closed the door behind me, and headed toward the kitchen.

* * *

"Hmmhmmhmm... hmmhmmhmm..."

It was a good day for humming and whistling nothing in particular. I stood in front of the stove, spatula in hand, waiting for the patties to cook enough to flip and get the other sides. The buns and plates were already set out on the counter along with a tomato I'd already cut up and a variety of condiments Eiji and I still didn't see eye-to-eye on. 

I smiled, thinking back to the kiss we'd shared just ten minutes or so before, and felt myself blush. Thankfully none of the guys were in town yet to see it. What would they think of how lovey-dovey I'd become in the last year?

_Lovey-dovey?_ I thought to myself. Even my word choice showed how declawed I was but...

—I flipped the burgers and grabbed the pepper to sprinkle some on—

that was okay. More than okay. It was what I'd always wanted. 

And there went the fluttering in my chest again. I looked around the kitchen and thought about how the space was _ours._ The fridge where we'd hung up a few souvenir magnets from our trip around the country. The counter where Eiji had plopped me down last night as he pulled me into a deep kiss, then more. The cabinets, full of pots, pans, paper towels, and all the other miscellaneous clutter of domesticity. That was my daily life now. _Our_ daily life. 

I gulped, then flipped the patties again. 

Max was due in tonight, and he'd be driving up with Ibe to meet us for dinner. It would be our first time seeing the two of them since they'd told us they'd gotten together as well. It was the last thing either Eiji or I had expected to hear when they'd said they had news, but soon they'd be embarking on their own version of what Eiji and I had done over the last year. Seeing the sights together, then figuring out where they wanted to settle down. 

Settling down. Getting a place together. Getting married. I gulped, then turned off the burners. Food was about ready. Time to go get Eiji...

I turned and stopped, glancing up at the wall. There in the center of the room was a photo Eiji had taken and that I'd gotten framed. He usually didn't like when I hung up his work; he was too bashful about it. But he hadn't fought me on this one: a picture of us and Shorter, huddled up together and making peace signs in Cape Cod. 

Sometimes the picture made me sad, but at the moment I was okay. I smiled, looking at Shorter's smile as he ruffled Eiji's hair with his free hand. _Think I'll go do the same,_ I thought, but when I went to go see Eiji he was already on his way to me. 

"Hey," I said as we stood across from each other in the adjoining space between the kitchen and living room. 

"Hey," he said back, eyes warm with a blush creeping across his cheeks. We simultaneously rushed closer, bringing our lips together and massaging each other's backs. 

There we were in our apartment, in our new hometown. Everything in this life was _ours_.

"Lunch is ready," I said once we pulled apart. 

"It smells good," Eiji said, smiling up at me. I nodded and got our plates ready and we sat down to eat before going back to prepping the apartment.

* * *

After lunch I headed to the guest room. Or to be more accurate, I set about making Ash's office/our general storage space into more of a guest room. It already had an extra bed so I mostly worked on dusting, cleaning, and tidying Ash's mess up a bit more neatly. 

Most of our bookshelves were in there, full of my manga and Ash's various English "classics." I had picked some up occasionally in our time together. Some, I liked. Others...not so much. The Salinger ones always struck me as being too sad without much point, though Ash seemed to like them. 

In one of the corners was a desk with all my camera equipment and folders full of photos and film. I moved most of what would fit into the closet and grabbed a few things from my current project to take back to our bedroom. They were mostly shots of animals and plants; lately I'd been on a kick of documenting nature rather than people. Getting in touch with something other than our own pain, our own successes. Trying to glimpse something new, even if I could never fully understand it. As I carried photos to the other room and then went back to cleaning I heard faint sounds of rain and hoped it would let up before Max and Ibe arrived. 

In another corner of the guest room stood Ash's desk with his computer and towering, unstable stacks of books and papers. Since moving to Japan he'd taken up fiction writing rather than the sort of research papers and long diatribes he'd been more partial to before. It was nice to see him be able to focus his talent into things other than drug analyses or corporate schemes and mob connections. Sometimes, now, he looked downright peaceful when I poked my head in and saw him, physically relaxed at his desk. 

Ash, relaxed. It was easily one of my favorite sights in the world and now it was a daily reality. Even as I shifted the room around a bit to make room for guests I thought of how all the details spoke to us. _Of_ us. This was our home, where I lived with the man who would soon be my...

"Eijiiii!" I heard Ash call from the living room. 

"What is it?" I called back. 

"Come heeere!" 

This, too, had been a welcome shift over the last year. Ash's changes in voice, his elongated words meant to beckon me closer. He was still serious sometimes, particularly on the nights when he would wake up in cold sweats and I would talk him down from panic attacks, rubbing small circles against his back. But more often than that now came moments of him teasing me, flirting with me, just generally smiling and looking happy to be alive. Relaxed. 

"Coming!" I shouted. I looked around the faux guest room and felt satisfied. It was certainly much less cluttered than before I'd started, and all of the obvious messes were taken care of. I turned and walked out the door and toward the living room. There I found Ash curled up on the couch with a giant blanket wrapped around him. 

"Eiiiijiii," he cooed. "It's cold and rainy outside, come keep me warm!"

"Aslan," I chuckled. "It's not cold inside. Besides, we still need to clean the bathroom."

"Already done," he smiled and reached his arms out as if beckoning me in for a hug. 

"And the pantry is a bit of a mess," I added.

"Not anymore," he said. "I tidied that up too."

"Oh," I said, looking at him as he continued to flex his arms out toward me. "Any word on when Max and Ibe are arriving?"

"Not for another three hours at least," Ash said. "Plenty of time."

I walked over and sat in his lap, brushing my nose against his. "Plenty of time for what?" I asked after leaning in for a soft kiss. 

"Whatever you want," he said, kissing me back.

"I have an idea," I said, tickling his chest and going in for another deep kiss, brushing my tongue against his. 

"Mm," he moaned into my mouth. "Sounds good to me."

"I haven't said anything yet," I laughed, but I knew I didn't need to. I stood up and reached out a hand for him to grab and follow me back to the bedroom, where any noise neighbors might otherwise hear us make would be drowned out by the rain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thaaat's all folks! At least for now. I fully plan on writing a lot more Banana Fish work. Possibly as direct sequels, or that could at least fit in with this story via being domestic fluff? Thanks for reading!


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